A lot of feels on Oppo tonight... (long post)

"cabarne4" (cabarne4) 07/30/2014 at 04:04 • Filed to: None

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To start, I don't mean to undermine any other posts tonight. Instead, I hope to reinforce what's already been said and shared.

It's late, so I doubt many of you will get a chance to read this. Hell, I don't know if I'm even going to hit "save" once I'm done, or just close out of my browser. I'm going to write what I've never written before, in an attempt to get the weight of it all off of my shoulders. I hope that this message gets across to somebody. Just know that you're not alone.

Fuck anonymity. You guys are family. More-so than my biological family, or any other online group I've been apart of.

I'm Chris. I'm 22, I live in Flagstaff, Arizona. I never smile in pictures. I tell people it's because I don't take pictures seriously, but I honestly think it's because I've forgotten how. I've constantly been told that I should be happy. I was born into a well-to-do family, had everything I could want or need growing up, and am in good health. None of that relates to happiness, or mental stability. I've been through my ups and downs. I've witnessed tragedy firsthand, and I've saved lives.

I've never had luck with relationships. I've had my heart broken, I've been cheated on, I've been dumped via text message and Facebook relationship status update. For the time being, I've given up. It's too much effort for not enough reward. There's someone out there for me, we just haven't crossed paths yet. Besides, I'd rather spend money on race car.

Jokes aside, I believe this rejection has had a negative effect on me. Between that, and other factors (that I may or may not get into later), I've almost lost the ability to feel or express emotion. I feel cold, with a faint light somewhere deep inside. Don't get me wrong, I still care for people. I just lost the words or expressions to truly convey how I feel.

When I was 9, my aunt and uncle died. We were all headed to my grandparents house for Thanksgiving, 2001. A few of us went to the airport to watch them fly in. As they were coming in on final approach, one of their engines burnt out. The crash happened fast. There was a moment of speechlessness, followed by the usual cold, methodical calculation that usually accompanies my family. Nobody talked that Thanksgiving.

Just a year later, another uncle died of a drug overdose. How do you respond to a 7 year old girl, telling you she's going to jump so she can be with daddy again in heaven?

Two years after that, we had our wreck. I've gone into detail before, so I'll save the details. Long story short, my mother nearly died. While my world was falling apart around me, my family thought they'd "protect" me by avoiding any open conversation about what was going on. A few weeks after the wreck, I was back in school. I would zone out in class. I failed tests, assignments. During that time, nobody asked me what was wrong. Nobody knew that my mom was in a hospital, thousands of miles away, still in a coma. Nobody knew that I stayed awake at night, crying, wondering if I'd ever get a chance to tell my mom I love her.

To this day, I occasionally wake up screaming in the middle of the night after vivid dreams recreating the events. I have night terrors of my mother dying in my arms.

It wasn't long after that that I started high school. By then, my mom had returned home and made an unbelievable recovery. I had a healthy group of friends, and things were finally looking up. Two months into high school, and we get an announcement. Joshua Lee Shipman, one of my best friends, had taken his life overnight. He succumbed to the ridicule and name calling, and he let them win. I got up from my desk, and walked out. Friends collected where we all used to hang out, and we migrated to my house. My parents had gotten the news by the time we got there. My dad called me into his office, looked me dead in the eyes, and told me "People die. Get over it."

To this day, I haven't forgiven him.

We planned a memorial garden at the school in Josh's honor. Our friend Jesse led the charge. Six months into the planning process, another still morning at school. Rumors start to spread of a car wreck. Then an announcement. Jesse Higginbotham passed away due to injuries sustained in a car accident. The bandage had just barely stopped the bleeding, and it was ripped off once more. I didn't even bother talking to my parents.

Jesse's parents picked up where there son left off. Ground was broken, and a memorial garden was planted. Hannah, a mutual friend of Josh, Jesse, and I gave her afternoons tending the garden. She and I got to know each other. After a string of break-ups, Hannah felt like solid ground. Until one day, after photography class. May 5th, 2009. The last words I said to her were "See you later, drive safe." She never made it home. Senior year came and went, but not without more tragedy. Laura Sharma, the younger sister of my friend Neil, took her life. More mumbled condolences, more silence.

I thought things would get better in college. I left the state, determined to leave my past behind me. I found myself in a po-dunk town, filled with narrow-minded, racist hicks (to put things lightly). I started drinking. School didn't go so well, so I quit and moved across the country.

After all of this, I've built a wall around my heart. I refuse to find any meaningful relationships, because I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. I laugh and smile, but never tell anyone how I actually feel. I get wasted at weekend parties so for just a few moments, I can forget about everything and try to be happy. But every night, I go to bed wondering if the wreck will come back to haunt me.

To a certain extent, I'm almost glad when it does — because when I'm falling asleep, choking back tears, I can actually feel something.

Through all of this, I've tried to stay positive. I look towards the brighter side, and try to find happiness. I'm putting all the effort I have left into things that make me happy. Mountain biking. Snowboarding. Sailing. Cars.

Throughout this post, I've pointed out nothing but the negative elements of my life. That's not to suggest I've ignored the good parts. But to anybody reading this, I want to stress the fact that you're not alone. You're never alone. There's 7 billion people on this planet. Half of them are men, half are women, and all of them have experienced sadness in their lives.

I'll share some advice I've learned along the way:

- Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws. I hate the sound of my voice. Some people think they're too fat, or too skinny. Some people identify with the opposite gender. During your life, you will meet people who will drag you down. They'll point out your flaws, and laugh because of them. But know that they're doing it to hide some insecurity they have about themselves. I'll say it again: everyone has flaws. Learn to accept them.

- Forgive and forget. This one, I'm still working on. I still haven't forgiven my dad. But don't hold on to petty shit. Don't hold grudges, or ruin friendships over a $5 debt. Accept apologies, even if they don't mean it. The more you pile on, the more you have to carry throughout your life. There's a reason I don't check baggage on airlines — I'm more free when I'm down to a small carry-on. The extra weight, and extra stress of maintaining enemies, remembering debts, and being sour will eat away years of your life, and slow you down while you try to live it.

- Love yourself. No matter how shitty your current situation is, you can always count on yourself. That slimmer of hope can get you through the most challenging times. When you're beat down and broken, remind yourself that if you give in now, you're letting everyone else win. And you're not here to let them win. You're here to ensure you're own happiness. If you can't love yourself, nobody will.

- Don't be ashamed to cry. Showing sadness isn't weak. It's human. Don't let your emotions get the better of you, but don't bottle them up so much that the pressure causes you to explode. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on at times.

- Be the shoulder to cry on. It can literally save a life. Listen to your friends when they come to you with problems, even if you think yours are worse. You never know who might be standing on a ledge.

- Fix what you can, accept what you can't. If something is causing you stress, ask yourself: can you fix it? If so, fix it already. Get out of that harmful relationship. Find the help you need to budget your finances, and pay off your debt. Go to the gym. If you can't do anything about it, then why are you wasting the time worrying about it?

- Live. This seems like the most obvious, but it's amazing how few people seem to follow this guideline. Ruts can be depressing. If you don't like your job, quit it. Pursue your dreams. You only have one go at life, why waste it somewhere where you're not happy? If financial stress and family keep you where you are, then consider the 8 hour vacation. Call your boss in the morning, and tell them you're sick. Now get in your car, and drive. Go for 3 or 4 hours, in any direction. Go somewhere you've never gone before. Now grab some lunch, and enjoy the drive back. Spend the evening at the movies, or just lounging around the house. Get your mind off of work, and off of your stresses. You'll go back to work the next day feeling different, I promise.

I'll end with some suggested viewing material. I'll start with the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! The video is about school bullying, but the message is clear, and can be applied throughout life. Next are a few movies. 500 Days of Summer got me through a lot of relationship bullshit. Just remember that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Perks of Being a Wallflower couldn't have done a better job at explaining my inner dialogue. "I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." Lastly, V for Vendetta — a movie about anarchism, but it contains a quote buried in a letter:

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again.

With that, Oppo, I thank you. This group, with one common interest, has brought people together from every walk of life. No matter our upbringing, our personal beliefs, our vendettas, our fears, or our dreams, we care for each other. Regardless of if we like domestic or import, we're all here as one, and we're all here for one another. We put aside our differences, and find common ground.

Thank you.

- Christopher Barnett

— As an open offer, if anyone needs someone to talk to (anything from venting about life issues to discussing your favorite beer), feel free to contact me: cab591@gmail.com

cabarne4 > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:05

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Hitting save was, possibly, one of the hardest things I've done.

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:06

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Good on your decision.

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:21

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Wow. Beautifully and powerfully written. Thanks for posting this.

ReallyColorful > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:28

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Such feels. Thanks a lot for sharing dude. Lots of deep thoughts and great advice on life, made me think about some qualities of mine that I need to work on. Again, thanks a ton for sharing. :D

71MGBGT Likes Subarus of Unusual Colors > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:29

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Thank's for sharing that man. Posts like this make me feel proud to be part of this community: There is an awesome mix of humor, seriousness, and advice that makes me feel at home. Cars are important, very important, but people are important-er and I think this community gets that. Have a good evening my friend!

YSI-what can brown do for you > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:32

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That is powerful right there. you have also taught me some lessons as well.

Also don't blame others for what someone else did to you. Although I can completely understand walling yourself off, I still do that...

Sorry for your loses man. That is a lot of pain for one person to go through. I dont know if i could ever walk in your feet. Stay strong and push on!

m2m, apex detective > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 04:58

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We had some "eff anonymity" moments around here in the past. Some people usually refrain from taking part in it, but I've written a few words here and there, so I might just do that again.

Hello then ... I'm Marian, a guy with what's considered a girl's name in many English-speaking areas. Shout out to Robin Hood, I guess. Currently 29, I tend to overthink basically everything, even the most trivial aspects of everyday life. Grammar bugs me, shitty kerning bugs me (career pet peeve), I die a little inside every time I see Comic Sans used. I'm not a very outgoing person usually, a trait many a folk mistakes for being boring.

When it comes to cars, I have little to show off, as I DD a Diesel Corolla hatchback (hey, it's quicker than most TDIs of the same vintage!) and don't own much fancy gear. I am fond of purpose-driven design and lightweight construction, but I can appreciate almost every kind of car it it's well done. I entertain the idea of getting a 600cc bike, but then I'd very likely manage to wipe myself off the earth quickly.

Even though I think of myself as one hell of a driving talent, I never find ways of getting myself into racing. The first time I raced karts for more than an hour or so, I was talked to afterwards and invited to join a regional tournament, should I be able to find co-drivers/teammates as it was an endurance event. Several Jalops and IIRC also some staffers once did a kart race; in company like this, I would consider myself a worthy contender at the very least.

Crappy driving moments of the past include a 100-100° sideways slide at 100+ mph due to aquaplaning on the German Autobahn. Got away with it, though.

I don't see anything wrong with being able to perceive and express feelings in great detail ... I consider a certain knack for melancholy a vital part of my identity, it helps me churn out a lot more in terms of thinking and creativity.

While I would say that it sucks to lose people like you did, you also got to have people you cherished to be part of your life in the first place. In what must feel like incredibly bad luck, you got to spend some time with them ... and I'm quite sure that they didn't leave you unchanged. Remember how they were and you'll keep a part of them with you. [edit: If you can appreciate feels movies, you should consider Never Let Me Go , which deals with the prospect of ... yeah, letting people go. I consider it to be very good, as is the book. ]

I can appreciate feels, so thank you for sharing.

People who don't want feels – move along. These are not the posts you're looking for.

Jobjoris > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 05:30

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Forgive your dad. Because of the two first 'lessons' you mention. And, add a lesson (related): Not everyone, no matter how close, will be able to help you with issues.

OkCars- 22k Crossroads > Jobjoris 07/30/2014 at 05:54

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thats more difficult than it seems. Trust me.

OkCars- 22k Crossroads > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 06:03

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Thanks for sharing, that is very good advice that i will use.

rodassecondo > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 06:43

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Man, rough times at so young age......

You will be ok though.

And , if possible, forgive your dad. Im sure you will.

We all do shitty things and we tend to hurt the people we love. By action, but mostly by inaction.

I only started to know my dad at my 39 years. I dont even try to understand what he did or did not do or should have done. I dont care anymore. I just enjoy beeing with him.

And fu**ing smile ! Go for a drive and red line what ever you have !

Pabuuu, JDM car enthusiast & Italian parts hoarder > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 07:47

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cabarne4 > rodassecondo 07/30/2014 at 09:11

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I'm trying to forgive him — it's been one thing after another with him, though.

Don't worry, I enjoy myself when I take my car out on a backroad and push it. I enjoy myself when I'm on the mountain bike trails or on the slopes. I just find it hard to express emotions to others.

cabarne4 > Jobjoris 07/30/2014 at 09:15

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I'm sure I will with time — but every time I get close to forgiving him, he does more shit — and it all comes right back.

cabarne4 > m2m, apex detective 07/30/2014 at 09:20

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Thanks for sharing, Marian! I've had some good people in my life, and definitely people who've effected me for the better — I'm just shit at letting them know it. Still finding it hard to let people close to me emotionally. I guess it'll come with time.

cabarne4 > YSI-what can brown do for you 07/30/2014 at 09:21

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Thanks man — also good words to live by. So often I see people take their stress and anger out on the wrong people. Usually the people closest to them — the ones they should be turning to for support during hard times.

cabarne4 > 71MGBGT Likes Subarus of Unusual Colors 07/30/2014 at 09:22

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Thanks — it's definitely the people behind the cars that are important. (Well, except Prius drivers. I'm sure we can all agree on that). ;)

cabarne4 > ReallyColorful 07/30/2014 at 09:23

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No problem. Feels good to get it out there, even if it is to a bunch of car-nerd-strangers on the internet. :) Hopefully someone here learns something.

cabarne4 > NotUnlessRoundIsFunny 07/30/2014 at 09:23

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Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

JeffFurbs > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 09:49

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Thank you for sharing man. You've had a rough go of it, but as corny as it is, it only makes you stronger. For the stuff you've been through you seem to have a level had about you and that I'm sure was not an easy road. I too have felt some of that pain and I shut myself down for years (figure you shared, I might as well too).

I grew up pretty sheltered until my first day of summer vacation at the end of freshman year of high school. I found out my best friend/next door neighbor was in a car accident. She slipped into a coma getting out of the car but everyone else was fine. A week later she was taken off life support. I went to the wake but my mom wouldn't let me go to the funeral. She was trying to protect me. It took me many years to forgive her. For months I was a mess. And for the next couple years I didn't deal very well. I started smoking cigarettes and occasionally weed. And being enrolled in a hosh posh private high school I found pain killers every now and again quite easily. Junior year rolled around and my parents went their separate ways with out much of a warning. It was years before I forgave my dad because I held him responsible. I went deeper into a black hole of just trying not to feel anything. (Not necessarily aided by drugs entirely). I contemplated ending it a few times and almost did once.

College started and I went away. I figured, like you, I could start fresh. And for a little while it worked. My mom started dating this guy and things were ok. I was starting to repair my relationship with my dad. Then my moms boyfriend turned into an asshole and everything starting to bother me again. Until one day I broke out of my comfort zone. Saved up some cash and took a spring break road trip with two of my best friends to Montana for some snowboarding. I came back a new person. It was like I was shocked into being happy for a long enough time that I started to enjoy it. Things started to change. I stopped doing drugs as much. My drinking went down a bit. There was still problems but I dealt with them better. Then senior year came and by Christmas my mom finally got out of her bad relationship and i started to feel that my home outside of college was actually home.

Then I went home for Easter. Things were great, I was happy and no longer depressed as much and improving every day. I think by this time I stopped doing drugs all together (no pills, no ecstasy, no coke...I had never really got addicted, but I was still doing them to cope at times). Then it happened. I heard what I can only describe as a plow truck lowering its plow down at midnight, then a crash, then nothing. I ran to the window and saw a car flipped over at the end of our yard. Smoke was coming off the car. I ran out and called 911. I was on one side of the car, they asked me to go around to the other side to see if there were people. I was so afraid of what I would find. Well i found two bodies laying in horrible positions, and blood, and one of them was moaning. The man died right there, the woman died in the ambulance. I won't go in to more detail, but I went in to a top spin. I drank a shit load. I went back to school, slept on the floor one night, slept on the couch for a week, hardly ate at all, dreams of car crashes, thought about dropping out of school with only a month to go. Just no control. I skipped classes and immediately checked into counseling. Got some help and started to get back to a normal lifestyle again. I finished college and moved home. Today I'm happy to report I no longer struggle with depression and have come a long way. I find I enjoy being happy and am more ready to deal with hardship than I ever was. I've learned a lot and now go out of my comfort zone more than I used to. Comfort zones kept me in a depression for so long. Each day is a new day with new challenges, but I'm ready to take them on.

I hope you are doing well and I apologize for making my post about me, I just felt the need to share. It takes some serious stuff to share things like that.

-Jeff

p.s. nicely placed perks of being a wallflower reference. That was one of my all time favorite books

cabarne4 > JeffFurbs 07/30/2014 at 10:19

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Thanks for the encouragement. It's hard to describe my mindset when tragedy strikes. We often joke that my dad and his whole side of the family are sociopaths but I think there's some truth to it, and it's probably genetic.

Another good read is "Confessions of a Sociopath". Oddly enough, a few parts did actually feel familiar. When our big wreck happened,I was only 12. My first thought was to find everyone. My oldest brother was standing nearby. I found mom in front of the wreck while my brother was talking to dad. Dad was trapped in the wreckage, telling my brother to get away — there was a strong smell of fuel. Without even thinking about it, I climbed in and pulled him out.

Fast forward to last month. Driving through Tennessee,I watch a minivan go off the road, roll down a hill and land upside down in a river. There was no thought of "what do I do?" Instead my first thought was (oddly enough) "I should take my phone out of my pocket so it doesn't get ruined when I go in there." Roping in another witness, we pulled everyone out of the wreck before the first officer arrived on scene. I walked up to him, told him everyone is out of danger and relatively ok, and that it was his scene now, then left.

I guess the best word for it is methodical. When shit happens, there's a split in my mind. Sure, there's the little voice that mentions how terrible it is, but he goes and sits in the corner while I take action.

I've heard people say they would shut down and not know what to do in similar situations — but it's all pretty clear to me. With the van, step one was getting them out of there. We had at most a few minutes until people started drowning. No time to wait for first responders. We were the first responders. Then when the police arrive, pass it off to them.

On the vacation note,I couldn't agree more. I try to take as many random vacations as possible. When I'm out on the road or in a new place, I actually feel happy. The same happiness I feel when I'm on the slopes or out on a sailboat. I'd probably go mental if I didn't have vacation time with work.

Thanks for sharing your story. You've definitely been on a roller coaster yourself. Hopefully the car accident is behind you now.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 10:35

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Thanks for the post.

I'd encourage you to talk to your dad. Does he know how much those words he said years ago scarred you and hurt your relationship with him? If not, let him know, talk it out, and if you can find it in yourself, forgive him. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Maybe, in the moment, he thought he was protecting you somehow. Suicides sometimes bring such sadness that they lead to others taking their life - maybe that was in his head, and he didn't want you to get lost in your sorrow. He clearly wasn't equipped to say the right thing to you at that time, but honestly, who is? Most of us would be better served to close our mouths and just hug the person who is in anguish. Life is far too precious and short to let long divisions form between you and the loved ones in your life.

cabarne4 > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 07/30/2014 at 10:43

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I'm trying, I really am. It's an interesting relationship to day the least. Without going into much detail, I'm basically incapable of living up to his expectations. And when I do meet them, he raises the bar then bitches at me for not being able to reach it. He also steals from me. A lot. To the point where we've had to get a lawyer to settle things. Mom's seen his behavior first-hand and described it as "childish".

I can only do so much on my end. Love and relationships are a two way street, and if he wants nothing to do with me there's not much I can do.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 10:51

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Very sorry to hear it, Chris... Just keep doing your best to love him, and maybe one day he'll come around and actually come to you for forgiveness. If talking to him doesn't work, maybe a written letter to put it all out there would help move him toward that end.

Jobjoris > OkCars- 22k Crossroads 07/30/2014 at 11:00

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I know it can. Trust me. Different people cope with troubles in different ways and one cannot always understand why things have been said/done. Not knowing the hole story of course but being one (a father) I know decisions/statements can result in feelings get hurt totally unintended. When it comes to family I totally live by the rule of 'forgiving'.

cabarne4 > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 07/30/2014 at 11:05

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Thanks for the encouragement — the letter sounds like a good idea.

I purposefully avoided the hell I've been put through from my parents. Not that I had a bad upbringing, just a few bad situations. During my lifetime, my dad has stolen nearly a quarter million dollars from me. He also drained the account my late grandfather set up specifically for my college tuition. He's supposed to be paying me back (lawyer's terms), but I haven't seen much of anything.

My mom's always been good, but immediately after Hannah's death she had survivor's guilt (from our own wreck — her injuries were very similar to Hannah's). She swallowed every pill in the medicine cabinet in an effort to free herself from the guilt. She called me (and everyone else) to say goodbye, and remind us that she loved us. I ran out of school and home as quick as I could. Came home to her unconscious on the bathroom floor. Luckily my brother had called 911, and they were able to pump her stomach. I lived with a friend for the next 3 weeks, couldn't face going home.

I trusted them with putting some of my stuff in storage while I was all over the southwest for work. I come back to find they sold everything I owned.

When my grandfather was on his deathbed, they didn't even have the courtesy of telling me. Instead, I get a call from my cousin saying "I'm assuming you've heard the news. Are you coming to the funeral?"

Long story short, my whole relationship from them has been nothing but deciept and lies. My family is known to stab each other in the back (sometimes literally). It's a toxic environment, and I'm happier now that they're on the other side of the continent. We see each other maybe once a year (though I'm not planning on going back for Christmas this year).

So, you guys definitely feel more like "family" than my biological relatives.

Jobjoris > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 11:07

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Being a dad can be horrible/difficult as well, just remember that. Seeing someone being a bit 'lost' emotionally and (maybe?) not knowing what to do about it (or understand the issue at all because different personalities and stuff): tough call!

Mark - Sixpots None The Richer > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 11:14

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Hey, Kolben here!

Remarkably open words. But it's a good thing! Because here's what I found out:

Share your problems! With friends, family and/or professionals. Don't bury anything inside. You won't move on if you waste your time mulling over things on your own.

Humans are social animals and we need the comfort of company and the empathy of a community around us. It's that easy.

Some of the best things happened to me lately after I openly admitted to some people that I'm deeply hurt, insecure and troubled. The reasons are different than yours, but the result is basically the same. It was/is difficult for me to enjoy life and feel good with myself. My confidence was broken completely so I felt worth- and useless.

I therefore basically stagnated a decade of my life and was afraid to make any step at all.

By admitting it and talking to people I made a big step forward. Of course you still have to work on your problems every day. Otherwise you only bitch and moan without changing anything. That's not helpful at all. ;-)

So get rid off the things that pull you down and hold you back. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

And wouldn't you believe it! By showing weakness and being honest (with yourself), good things happen to you! The past year was - by comparison - great.

Now I feel better with myself. I have a full time job for the first time (which I got by being honest in the job interview) and I've finally started to think about the future in a constructive way.

I'm not "finished" and "happy", but at least I'm more optimistic and confident than two years ago.

On a final note, because Oppo is a relationship advice forum where we occasionally discuss cars as well:

Be honest with the ladies! They can easily detect your weakness and confidence problems anyway - because that's what they do - and bullshitting only makes it worse. By showing your true - troubled - self they have the choice. Almost all of them won't be interested. You can't change that, even if you were Brad Pitt. Yet some might be interested in an honest guy because they are tired of the liars they've experienced before. At least they know what they get with you. Nothing more, but nothing less either. Well, I'm older than you and the women I'm talking about aren't naive girls - anymore.

Hang on!

JeffFurbs > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 11:15

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I definitely know what you mean. My response is slightly different but the same idea. When I saw the car accident I just ran outside and called 911 giving them as much detail as i could (I think subconsciously I knew that it was too late for the people). However what i don't really remember is anything from the the time I ran outside until later that night. A lot is just blank and I only really know what my mom told me. I kindof just black out and do what I thought was needed. I remember yelling at my cousins, who were visiting that night, to get back inside so they wouldn't see it. I remember some of the graphic things but everything else is fuzzy. I just go into autopilot. I remember a few years later watch a couple kids slide off the road in the winter at night. Without a thought I had already gotten out of my car and ran over to them. Thankfully they were fine just scared.

Good for you man for helping those people. There are too many that may just keep going and think there is nothing they can do. I don't know if I blame people that don't just jump to action. We all handle the fight or flight response so differently.

Ugh I agree with vacation. I'd feel like my life would turn in to a fight club remake without it. Which now that you say it makes me think I need to get back to the slopes. What kind of board do you ride?

I'm happy to say everything is behind me. I hope the same for you man

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > cabarne4 07/30/2014 at 11:19

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Holy shit. Hurts to even read all this, man...

My mom has also battled depression, and survived at least one suicide attempt (that I know of). She fell off a cliff, onto railroad tracks, and was in traction for weeks after that. Probably the saddest memory of my life was visiting her when she was in a mental institution, many years ago. Thankfully she has a good doctor now and her mood has been under control for many years. She doesn't take on much responsibility, but to have her here and healthy is such a blessing, considering everything she's been through.

Hate that you've had such a rough go of it, but glad to be part of your OPPO family. Keep your head up.

cabarne4 > Mark - Sixpots None The Richer 07/30/2014 at 11:27

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Thanks for the encouragement! I'm definitely working on reducing stress and negativity in my life. I recently quit all the dead end part time jobs I had, moved across the state, and re-enrolled at a 4 year uni. Feels good to finally have free time, and be working towards a degree that will actually put me towards a career I'll enjoy.

I'm not worried about relationships right now. Just not worth my effort. I know I'll find someone eventually though. I just have some magical power of finding all the crazies.

Empathy is something I struggle with. After being hurt so much, I don't like letting other people empathize with me. This post is fairly out of character, and I suppose my route of finding done empaths. I suppose a lack of empathy runs in my family. Don't get me wrong, I'll listen to people and I'll try and make them feel better, because people are genuinely more fun to be around when they're in a good mood — but I find it hard (sometimes impossible) to truly feel how other people are feeling. I suppose this emotional distance doesn't help much when I'm going through shit.

I'd say overall, though, life's been good. All the shit I wrote about here is behind me. Save for some nightmares, and my relationship with my family, I try not to dwell on the past. On the family note, I've tried to forgive but they continue to twist the knife. Relationships are two way streets. If they're incapable of putting in the effort, I shouldn't be wasting mine.

cabarne4 > JeffFurbs 07/30/2014 at 11:30

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Asides from family relationships and the occasional wreck nightmare, I'd say it's mostly behind me.

As for boards, I've got a shitty Lamar for fucking around on. When I wanna spend a day on the slopes I usually just rent a demo board. Usually a brand new Ride for about $20, definitely a good value.

cabarne4 > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 07/30/2014 at 11:35

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Thanks man. Not sure which is worse, visiting a loved one in that state or being barred from it, and being withheld the details.

My mom's got a good doctor now, and is no longer depressed. Definitely positive change.

Some advice from her that I'm going to put in a later post: Don't get hung up on your limitations. When recovering from injury, your roadblocks are only temporary. Live each day and push harder the next, the bar is only as high as you set it.

Frank Grimes > cabarne4 08/01/2014 at 20:11

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I think because it was vulnerable thing to do. Vulnerability is really hard especially painfully hard for males it seems. this book for you and anyone else its brilliant.

cabarne4 > Frank Grimes 08/01/2014 at 20:38

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I'll add it to my reading list, thanks!

Frank Grimes > cabarne4 08/01/2014 at 21:58

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it is seriously good and I usually am very skeptical about "self help" books but she is a researcher so theres science behind things.

cabarne4 > Frank Grimes 08/02/2014 at 00:18

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